I realize I haven’t posted any items in a bit. Things in my personal life had been a bit hectic, but in the last few months, there have been some turn arounds, including a new job, a new place, and even a new car! So, thingas have been looking up, and just recently, I was reminded of why I was doing all of this other stuff in the first place. I have to be more consistent about this company. I do feel like I had temporarily lost my fire for it…but I’m back at it again!
Today’s topic is just kind of something I have noticed lately in a lot of the Black, gay Facebook groups that I see everyday on my newsfeed/timeline. A lot of these groups claim to be relationship-oriented, but they often contain the same prototype:
- Same members as many other groups
- Threads seemingly completely unrelated to the group type as a whole
- Selfies of members requesting acceptance
It’s the last item that inspired this post. So many of these guys (who for the record are phyne…) seem to think that a perfectly-filtered selfie is going to be their ticket to the altar, and while many other members complain about this practice, no admins seem to care enough to patrol it. That got me to thinking about other things that I notice guys do that are nonsensical, illogical, immature, and not to mention inconsistent when it comes to their never-ending quest to find a mate. So I made a list! Here are the five basic reasons you (and I’m sure a few of your friends) are still on the market…
1. You are using the wrong bait.
Imagine a gay dating site where you HAD to have a nice face picture on your profile for it to be accepted and available for view by other members. …exactly. Selfies containing sphincter are not how you attract a husband.
Remedy: Either practice with your front-facing camera, or get a good friend to help you take a nice, clear, well-lit photo of your face. It’s not a mugshot, but men are visual, and the great majority of us would like to know who is vying for our attention.
2. You don’t follow through.
Through sporadic chats, either on the actual sites, or once you have graduated to texting, no one makes any plans. Even if you attempt it, it’s a flimsy one at that. You have to remember that it is highly likely that you are not the only guy competing (and you ARE competing) for his attention. So unless you set it in stone, you leave his schedule open for other suitors. You need to start to “hard schedule” plans. Say “Next Friday, at 7.” Don’t say “Next weekend sometime. Keep me posted.” That’s how the more immediately attractive guy gets in.
Remedy: Learn to make a plan. Agree on a time, place, and activity. Then, SHOW UP! No one likes to have their time wasted, but it’s amazing the number of guys who don’t appear to understand just how modern technology has made up-to-the-minute updates exponentially more possible.
3. You are boring.
This one is a touchy one, and I am certainly not trying to ruffle any feathers, but I know how true this is firsthand. When I say “boring,” I generally mean that you are either highly routine, or are busy doing nothing. You don’t read and/or watch TV. In most cases, you are simply one-dimensional. So, whether you are a queen, a thug, a nerd, or a professional, you never leave your comfort zone…or you make it terribly obvious when you do.
Remedy: Try to be more well-rounded. Go places you wouldn’t go when your friends want to go so you are at least familiar. Don’t condescend too much in any one direction. Visit museums, aquariums, libraries, AND amusement parks, bowling alleys, skating rinks, and clubs. You should be able to watch both Wendy Williams AND Stephen Colbert. Be aware without being obsessed. Conversation is strenuous, almost impossible, with anyone who has such a limited (stifled?) outlook. Don’t be that guy.
4. You’re not at peace with who you are.
You’re not realistic about what a good match looks like. Pictures are constantly posted and referenced with models with bulging muscles, sinewy skin and piercing eyes…but again, they are men, and they are visually attracted to (usually) like-appearing individuals.
I often get the sense that guys chase what they think other people think they should have. You don’t date enough men to know what you like, tolerate, or try. Sexual things are easy differences, but if you know you like something that others may not, don’t be ashamed. Don’t be afraid to seek it out even. In the end, you are looking for a man for YOU…not your buddy…
Remedy: Take a bit of time to develop your “type.” Just think about what preferences you have. Develop your own interests, outside of gayness. There is more to you than who you sleep with.
5. You’re rushing.
Life is not a sitcom or a rom-com. You can’t expect it to work out in 3 hours…if it even works out at all.
Remedy: Date. Stay in contact. Contact him at the beginning of the week to make plans for the coming weekend. Remember to hard schedule the date, and in the meantime, stay interesting so you won’t be boring when you meet up! After all, if a job won’t give you a promotion until after 12 months, is it not also similarly logical to wait a feasible amount of time before you promote a suitor to a boyfriend?
…and this is just the basic stuff! So many guys complain about the things that other men do, but won’t talk about the things that they themselves don’t/won’t do. These five items above account for more than half the men not in relationships (whom desire them). You want to stop sabotaging your “pre-lationships?” Take an honest look at The Man in the Mirror…