This winter season, many people are looking to get “boo-ed up,” as the kids say. It is unfortunate, however, that too many of these “relationships” are simply carnal in their true nature, and are devoid of the substance through which the involved portray a rather sad and transparent façade. Perhaps a few of the pretend couples this season are looking to solidify something with this person that they originally considered to be a stand-in until their dream date finds his way to them. There may also be a reader who will be taking this Saturday night to date someone to whom they feel they have nothing to say. I’ve known quite a few individuals who have gone to dinner with a treating suitor only because they were hungry…(but that’s another post!)
In any event, I thought I would bite from this article I read in Yahoo!. You can read that article, also. For the ones of you that are going on a date, you are probably aware that getting the real information out of a date can appear to be a daunting task. I know too many men who know how to ask what they want to know, but don’t happen to be too versed in subtlety. There is also a pocket of men who end up dating a man, and even after five dates, still do not feel as though they know this person with whom they are considering becoming exclusive. Their questions tend to be too bland or basic. In short, people on a bus can talk about the IF and the THAT. People on a date talk about the HOW and the WHY.
It’s easy for many of us to ask about the menial things some of us tend to find “important,” like zodiac sign, job title, and nearest major city of origin. However, facts don’t make a man. You don’t marry profiles. After you ask the basic questions to determine physical compatibility (many of which helped to initiate the desire to date in the first place), you must learn to follow-up with questions to determine intellectual or ideological harmony. I’ve compiled a list of questions to ask your potential mate for you to get through a few dates if you tend to be more introverted or shy in your romantic pursuits.
1. What is your favorite scene from your favorite book or movie or TV show? – Again, initially, it is easy to ask someone about their favorite source of media entertainment, but the WHY may lead you to true insight about your date’s personality or values. For example, one night, a friend of mine had come over to watch Tabatha’s Salon Takeover. We were already watching TV, and Tabatha wouldn’t be on for at least another hour. So, my friend asked if he could watch wrestling. I agreed. However, after about 60 seconds of what I found to be the cradle of idiocy, I had to ask him what drew him to this particular spectator sport. He replied, “I like to watch people talk shit…because I like to talk shit.” Knowing my friend for as long as I had, it made complete sense to me. I also discovered that I myself enjoy shows such as Kitchen Nightmares, Tabatha, Real Time with Bill Maher, The Millionaire Matchmaker, and Tough Love because I like to tell it like it is. So, I want to watch shows where people are saying what I’m thinking. With proper analysis, you can discover something possibly fascinating about your potential suitor!
2. What do you love about your job? – As we all know, in the current economy, you should consider yourself lucky to even find someone who has a job in the first place! On a more serious note, a job title may not do much to tell you someone’s aspiration, especially if you’re dependent on what might be a “stop-gap job” (a plan B that came to fruition before plan A). Plenty of us have had a job in retail, fast food, or a call center while we waited to complete our degree in psychology, law, or IT. This question could reveal key items like how someone handles conflict, their willingness to try new things, or possibly their preparedness to enter a relationship. …which leads me to…
3. What’s your definition of a relationship? – Personally, I think this question should be placed on the back burner until at least your third date, and you two have given yourselves ample time to become comfortable around each other. You are simply asking this question to find out if you are dating someone who wants to be a normal housewife, or a Real Housewife! There is a difference, not that there is fundamentally anything wrong with either one, but remember that a relationship is defined by the people in it. So, you may have someone who is generally docile or meek and may act like they are glad you made it home from work safely, even if it is after midnight. You might also be dating someone who expects gifts “just because,” a condo in the clouds, and takes you and your wallet for granted. This question may lead you into your date’s fundamental beliefs about male-male romantic relationships, and could tell you more than you may be prepared to receive!
4. If money were no object, what would you do with your life? – This is another great question that would give you fathomable insight into your dates ideals, dreams, and regrets. I think it is fairly common knowledge that you can learn a lot about a person by how they spend their money! Perhaps answers will reveal philanthropic desires, educational pursuits, or an attempt to revive (and star in) the now-defunct MTV’s Cribs. Let me reiterate that there is nothing fundamentally wrong about those responses or the men who give them. You are seeking compatibility. Don’t forget that!
5. Will you share an embarrassing moment with me? – In his 1999 comedy special, Bigger & Blacker, Chris Rock commented on how people tend to meet someone else’s “representative” in the initial stages of courting. Despite the uproarious laughter, Rock had actually made a genuine point about the force fields that most of us construct within the first year of dating someone, including denying our virtual idolization of a certain song or TV show, suppressing certain bodily functions or smells, or possibly “butching it up” to convince this guy whose last name we don’t yet know that we won’t be an “embarrassment” to him…the Pygmalion effect, if you will. Asking someone to share an embarrassing moment is only to “humanize” both them and yourselves. It takes you out of that ethereal dream state, and reminds you that (although it can be difficult to remember or recognize within ourselves):
Nobody is perfect!
Just take things slowly and remember this:
Dating is about determining compatibility according to the hierarchy by which the people in that couple agree to abide.
You’re simply asking questions like this get an idea if their insides will make a figurative fit with yours. The literal fit usually goes without saying… To help you relax and reflect on that, maybe you should take A Long Walk! Here’s Jill Scott with her second single…